A breakup genuinely hurts, and that's no exaggeration: the brain experiences the end of a relationship as a loss. Understanding why it hurts and what the process looks like will help you get through it and feel well again.
The first thing to know
Getting over a breakup is a form of grief, and like all grief it takes time. There are no shortcuts, but there are better ways to support yourself: let yourself feel, cut off the "trickle" of contact and rebuild your life little by little. You do come out the other side.
Why a breakup hurts so much
You're not overreacting: the end of a relationship activates brain circuits similar to those of physical pain and withdrawal. We lose the person, but also the plans, the routine, the shared identity and the future we imagined. That's why a breakup is experienced as grief: we're processing many losses at once.
The stages of relationship grief
They're not rigid steps and they don't come in order, but they help you understand the process:
- Denial and shock: it's hard to believe it's over.
- Anger and guilt: anger towards the other person, towards yourself or towards the situation.
- Sadness and longing: the lowest point, where you miss them.
- Bargaining: the "what if…", the temptation to go back or to fix it.
- Acceptance: the pain eases, you get your life back and look ahead.
Techniques to move on
- Let yourself feel. Suppressing the pain only prolongs it. Crying, talking it through and processing the loss are part of healing.
- Cut contact (at least for a while). Checking their social media or keeping an "almost contact" reopens the wound every day.
- Ease the idealisation. Longing magnifies the good and erases the bad. Remembering the relationship as a whole helps.
- Reclaim your own life. Friends, hobbies, routines and projects that are yours alone.
- Don't rush to fill the gap. Giving yourself time before a new relationship saves you from repeating patterns.
Has the breakup got the better of you?
If the pain won't let up or it repeats in every relationship, therapy helps. Find out how I work with couples and breakups.
When the pain turns into something more
Sadness after a breakup is normal. It's worth seeking help when, months later, the pain won't let up, stops you functioning, turns into anxiety or depression, or when you notice you keep repeating the same pattern of relationship over and over. That's where therapy helps to close the wound and understand what keeps repeating so you don't fall back into it.
Starting over
Getting over a breakup isn't forgetting, it's reordering: putting what you lived through in its place and recovering your drive and confidence. With time and, if needed, with support, you feel well again, and you may even come out stronger and clearer about what you want.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take to get over a breakup?
There's no fixed timeframe: it depends on the length and intensity of the relationship, on how it ended and on each person. What matters isn't how long you take, but that the pain gradually eases. If it stays stuck for months, it's worth seeking help.
Is it better to cut contact completely?
In general, at the start, yes. Keeping in touch or checking their social media tends to reopen the wound every day and makes it harder to move on. Some distance helps the emotions settle. Later on, each person decides.
Is going to therapy over a breakup an overreaction?
Not at all. A breakup is one of the most painful experiences there is. Seeking help to get through it, especially if it overwhelms you or if you keep repeating patterns, is a sensible way of looking after yourself, not an overreaction.
